Meet Margaret Cullen, and read an excerpt from "The Mindfulness-Based Emotional Balance Workbook"
Interviewed by Ari Saperstein
Editor’s note
Margaret Cullen is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) Teacher. One of the pioneers of mindfulness-based programs, Margaret has created a number of mindfulness programs in health care including introducing MBSR to the Cancer Support Community and combining meditation with nutrition education with researchers at UCSF. Margaret has also helped educators manage stress through the delivery of her “Stress Management and Relaxation Training” (SMART) across Vancouver, BC, Boulder & Denver, CO, and Berkeley, CA. Margaret is a Founding Faculty at Stanford University’s Compassion Institute.
You’ve adapted your mindfulness programs for various fields and groups, including cancer support, HIV support, obesity support... Why is it important to customize how one is teaching and practicing mindfulness based on the audience? Why doesn’t it work to take a one-size-fits-all approach to mindfulness?
Many of the adaptations that I’ve made have been driven by research studies and the need to both control for extraneous variables and the wish to meet the needs of specific populations. Even with a fairly homogenous cohort there is no “one-size-fits-all approach” on the one hand and there is only “one-size-fits-all” on the other hand. Let me explain: every individual in the class is different and instructions that may work for one person won’t work for another (or might vary with the same individual from day to day). At the same time, the path is always the path. The heart of being awake, clear and caring does not change from MBI to MBI or even from religion to religion.
Can you give us an example of what would look different in a mindfulness program for one group over another?
For programs in the military I have been careful about my language. Because I live in the bay area, I tend to take it for granted that people will understand and feel comfortable with words that come up frequently while teaching (non-judgmental, presence, secular, awareness, even kindness and compassion). Teaching different groups has helped me to bring greater awareness to the culture I live in and tend to take for granted. Educators often found it helpful to tailor specific exercises to their shared work experience (like choosing to bring a child to mind in your meditation who you normally don’t notice in the classroom). It is often the case that cohorts who share a profession never have a chance to connect on a personal level. When I’ve worked with physicians and police, small group interactions around shared experience through the lens of mindfulness can be deeply nourishing.
We’ve talked with a few other mindfulness experts who’ve created workbooks -- so for our readers who have familiarity with other akin works, what makes The Mindfulness-Based Emotional Balance Workbook different?
MBEB is the only mindfulness program I’m aware of that applies mindfulness to our emotional lives. This has been historically tricky because emotions aren’t one of the four foundations of mindfulness and the word doesn’t even exist in Pali or Sanskrit. Yet they are so real to us and we understand them so little. Emotions tend to be a “black box” for people: threatening and best left contained somewhere inside. It turns out that understanding what emotions are, how they function, and meeting them with mindfulness goes a long way in balancing our emotional lives. MBEB also brings in forgiveness practice which is rarely included in either MBI’s or even retreat practice because it was relegated to the Vinaya which was the part of the Buddhist Canon that oversaw the daily life of monastics. The approach in MBEB is to treat emotions as neither positive nor negative. As one of my teachers Marshall Rosenberg (NVC) used to say: ”Emotions are what is alive in us”. In MBEB we explore challenging emotions like fear and anger and cultivate wholesome emotions like compassion and kindness. We have also added an emphasis on intentions and precepts as foundational to emotional happiness and eudaimonic well-being.
Your worksheet below is a great introduction to concepts like emotional balance, intention and values. For those who may not know, can you explain a little bit of the difference between cognitive balance and intentional balance?
Emotional balance is intimately related to cognitive balance (a healthy way of thinking and knowing), and conative or intentional balance (a healthy way of relating to intentions.) Taken together, emotion, cognition and intention are three basic aspects of the mind. While cognition deals with the “what” of the mind—knowledge and information—, and emotion refers to “how” we feel about this knowledge, conation is the “why.” It’s how humans translate what they feel about what they know into what they do. In turn, intentions also give meaning and direction to the way we think, feel, and act in the world.
In your experience, what are some of the common barriers people face when trying to identify and/or regularly practice their values?
The gap between who we are and who we aspire to be is large and painful to many of us. There are a variety of ways to mitigate this pain. First, to make sure your values are your own and freely chosen, rather than inherited or coerced. Second, like everything else, make it a conscious practice to revisit your values often as part of emotional hygiene. Third, to meet the gap between your own imperfect self and your ideal self with kindness and wisdom.
When it comes to values and personal ethics, having someone in your life from whom those differ greatly from yourself, be it a family member, a partner, a co-worker, a roommate, is something many people face. Do you have any advice on co-existing with someone who has different values and ethics from yourself?
Most of my answers come from my own teachers. For me, the best answer to this question comes from Charlotte Joko Beck. I think it was in her book “Everyday Zen” where she wrote at length about relationships as perfect mirrors and gave an example of how the squabbles she had in daily life with her daughter were not problems to be solved but humanness to be embraced. Of course, if someone is abusive or flaunting basic human values like kindness and respect, it’s important to leave. But for the more garden variety we encounter with our friends and families, they are opportunities to grow in compassion, generosity, humor and patience.
Finally, I’d love to know: What are some of your key personal values and where did they come from?
Compassion has become more and more of a central value in my life. Compassion makes everything workable and redeemable and I'm often in need of redemption! It is a super-power that can turn suffering into beauty and reveal what is best and most noble in us. In this moment of global pandemic and climate catastrophe, it may be the only thing that saves us.
Excerpt from Chapter Three: Clarifying values and intentions
Why are you here?
What are intentions and values, and what do they have to do with emotional balance? Intentions are the thoughts or impulses that drive behavior and values are the expressions of what you really care about. Even when not fully aware of the intentions that drive behavior, they remain as the invisible but operative force that defines the quality of what you think, say and do. As Sharon Salzberg (2004) wrote: “Each decision we make, each action we take, is born out of an intention.”
One powerful way to strengthen emotional balance is to clarify your intentions and reconnect with your deepest values. In fact, emotional balance is intimately related to cognitive balance (a healthy way of thinking and knowing), and conative or intentional balance (a healthy way of relating to intentions. Taken together, emotion, cognition and intention are three basic aspects of the mind. While cognition deals with the “what” of the mind—knowledge and information—, and emotion refers to “how” we feel about this knowledge, conation is the “why.” It’s how humans translate what they feel about what they know into what they do. In turn, intentions also give meaning and direction to the way we think, feel, and act in the world.
And why choose to do anything, unless it enhances meaning in your life? Before you embark on the practices offered in section two of this book, we invite you to stop and consider what your intentions and aspirations are, and how these connect with your deepest values. Values and intentions are like the rudder that guides the boat. On the rough seas of strong emotions, having a sturdy rudder allows the boat to stay the course. And when an action is connected with a conscious intention that is rooted in your core values, not only will this help you achieve your chosen outcome, it can be a touchstone to return to when resistance inevitably arises.
What are Intentions?
Intention can be understood as the invisible force that precedes all behavior. Though often unconscious, it’s a thought, decision or impulse that impels the body to move in some way. Before raising your arm, there’s an intention to do so, before scratching an itch, there’s an intention to do so, etc. In fact, before any action, no matter how seemingly trivial and insignificant, there’s an intention which precedes it.
Rarely are we asked to pay attention to our intentions as they are happening, yet it’s entirely possible to do so. Let's explore this with a short experiment.
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Experiment: Noticing intention
As you read these words, at some point you’ll want to move your body to relieve a feeling of restlessness or discomfort. See if you can catch the feeling of discomfort before you actually move and delay the response by 30 seconds or so. In that short amount of time, you can sense the intention to move, that “about to” moment in which the body is leaning into the next action. If you can feel this, you have “caught” the moment of intention preceding the action.
This simple exercise might seem trivial at first glance, but it actually opens the door to a deeper truth. The moment of intention before you scratch your nose is an example of a benign and seemingly unimportant intention. But life is made up of these simple moments and, if we’re constantly moving from one action to the next, unaware of our intentions, it’s quite possible to end up living a whole life on auto-pilot. This has consequences on many levels. Emotional dysregulation is often a function of several discrete moments of cause and effect that happen so quickly they are only registered below the threshold of conscious awareness. Tuning into intention is one way to short circuit the snowball effect that may result in unintended behavior.
For example, let’s say you find yourself yelling at a family member and you have no idea why. You might even find yourself in that classic situation of insisting you’re not mad, as you slam the door and storm out of the room. If you looked closely, you could probably trace back through a series of tiny “mind moments” that would reveal a logical process of cause and effect. It might look something like this: A superior at work said a comment in passing about your performance that raised a kernel of doubt in your mind about your future in that job; the “mental state” of doubt caused you to misinterpret (through personalizing) a memo that was sent to the whole staff. You can see where this is going. As soon as you get home, your partner tells you about various things that need fixing at home. They all involve expenditures. You blow up, not even realizing that, in the back of your mind, you’re worried about your job. Even if you miss the moment of distress when your boss tosses out the comment that upset you, it’s possible to notice—and even choose—your intention before you walk into the house after work. Some physicians in our courses report that they use the simple moment of reaching out to open the door of the exam room to check in on their intention before greeting each new patient.
In our clinical work, it’s not uncommon to hear people say they feel as if they’ve lived for decades without knowing what was really going with them: drifting along in their lives, working in jobs that didn’t reflect their values, maintaining relationships that weren’t satisfying, or buying things they didn’t really want or need. It’s as if they were driven by someone else’s intentions in a sort of hypnotic trance. The poignancy of this is captured beautifully in the following line from an anonymous A T & T executive: “Ten years ago I turned my face for a moment and it became my life” (Whyte, 2002).
Why Notice Intentions?
If you were able to notice an itch and delay scratching it, this is actually quite a powerful practice. Why? First of all, you learn that you can tolerate the discomfort of the itch, without needing to scratch immediately. Itches are a great metaphor for all the discomforts that present themselves as urgent, requiring an immediate response. Without awareness of this “about to” moment, we simply scratch, mindlessly attempting to relieve the discomfort of the itch. Have you ever noticed that scratching is often an ineffectual way to relieve the pain of itching? It stops for a moment, but often comes back even stronger. If you can ride out the discomfort of the itch, without scratching, it goes away eventually. Each time you delay or forgo the mindless reactions to minor discomforts, you increase your ability to refrain from the compulsive need to avoid unpleasantness. You strengthen the muscles of restraint and willpower. The example above demonstrates the importance of this skill when it comes to challenging emotions.
Another important outcome of noticing intention is the increased possibility for choice. It’s difficult to exert free will as your hand goes into the freezer, takes out the ice cream and spoons it into your mouth if you’re not aware that you’re doing it. Have you ever noticed how this type of behavior can seem to happen either robotically, or as if you’re in some sort of trance? You are! You’re in the trance of unawareness. Without awareness, there’s no choice, only habitual reactions.
Unfortunately, even with awareness, sometimes it’s hard to see choice, because the force of habit can be so great that it’s stronger than the awareness. You can probably identify with the experience of doing something while being fully aware that you don’t want the consequences of it, like hearing yourself say something harsh and unkind to your teenager, while unable to intervene, as if it were someone else yelling. You know perfectly well that your words will only push your kid farther away, and make her even more reticent to do whatever it is she isn’t doing. Sometimes, it feels like you’re just channeling your father or mother and it is just this feeling of helplessness which precipitates the spiral of emotions from frustration with your child, to frustration with your self, to feelings of overwhelm like rage, despair or extreme agitation.
In these cases, self-forgiveness and self-compassion are wonderful allies and friends. We’ll explore this important subject in depth later, but for now let’s just say that when there’s clarity at the level of intentions and values, it’s easier to recover and re-establish our commitments when we feel that we’ve failed.
The Power of Intention
The most powerful and yet often invisible function of intention is the potential it has to affect outcome. In the case of the sailor, it’s quite obvious that aiming the rudder has everything to do with the direction the boat sails. However, in our western culture, we’re trained to focus mainly on actions as the sole determinants of outcomes and to ignore intention or motivation. This is exemplified in aphorisms like “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” or “Actions speak louder than words.” Of course, if wholesome intentions are never reflected in concrete actions, the road to hell will, in fact, be smoothly paved! And yet, in other traditions, it’s intention that plays the most important role in the consequences of our actions. There’s a Tibetan saying—“Everything rests on the tip of intention.”
A good example of this is in gift giving. Let’s say you bought a scarf for a friend. If you give the scarf out of friendship and generosity, it will be received quite differently than if you offer it expecting something in return. Perhaps you want to be appreciated, maybe you’re hoping to “buy” her affection, or maybe you want to be absolved for some prior misdeed. Same scarf, same act of giving, but the experience of receiving the gift can be quite different in each of these scenarios. The first century Roman philosopher, Seneca, agreed with this view: “A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer.” Though hard to do, it’s actually possible to slap someone with their best intentions in mind. There are rare occasions when a slap may be the only way to prevent them from harm, or disrupt a self-destructive cycle. A slap that is motivated by love and concern will be received entirely differently from a slap delivered in a fit of anger.
What are Values? Why do they matter?
Personal values are the beliefs, principles or ideas that are important to you in life. Values are what you stand for —they are often things that you are for or against -- what you believe in and are willing to support and fight for. They provide a road map for the kind of life you aspire to lead.
In the last ten years, research has shown that the simple act of prioritizing values results in: 1) reduced stress (Creswell et al. 2005); 2) strengthened willpower (Schmeichel et al. 2009); 3) increased openness and decreased bias (Correll, Spencer & Zanna 2004) and 4) improved accuracy by reducing defensiveness (Legault, Al-Khindi & Inzlicht 2012). The simple exercise of thinking and writing about what’s really important in life has even shown to be effective at weight loss. In 2012 researchers at the University of Waterloo (Ontario) and Stanford found that by offering subjects (45 women) a simple writing exercise in “values affirmation”, 2.5 months later, the control group reported an average weight gain of 2.76 pounds while those who completed the exercise lost an average of 3.4 pounds (Logel & Cohen 2012). Though a fairly small sample, these are stunning results from a simple, one-time writing exercise!
Although it’s only relatively recently that psychology has begun to research the importance of values for psychological well-being, spiritual traditions have always emphasized the role that values play in leading a fulfilling and exemplary human life. On Zen retreats there’s a traditional gatha or verse that’s recited at the end of a long day of intensive sitting meditation:
“Let me respectfully remind you
Life and death are of supreme importance
Time swiftly passes and opportunity is lost
Each of us must strive to awaken!
This night your days will have diminished by one
Awaken, take heed; do not squander your life.”
Many spiritual traditions have used reflections on death as “thought experiments” to inspire conscious living, and the alignment of daily actions with one’s deepest values. Don Juan, the shaman in the books of Carlos Castaneda counseled his disciple to keep death on his left shoulder, as an adviser and constant reminder of what matters. As of April, 2013, pastor Rick Warren’s book, “A Purpose Driven Life” had sold over 60 million copies. The remarkable success of this book could be construed as evidence for our deep and abiding need to align our lives with our deepest values. Assuming that all the world’s great spiritual traditions agree with sources as divergent as Warren and Castaneda that values are foundational to leading a good and happy life, why isn’t it easier to do?
Values, personal ethics, and emotional balance
People who have a deep and abiding religious faith tend to find it easy to embrace the values and ethics that are suggested in their tradition. Others have a relationship with religion that is at best ambivalent and at worst antagonistic. These mixed or downright aversive feelings can significantly complicate our feelings about the values and mores of the church. Depending on how unconscious these feelings are, they can undermine us in ways that range from hesitancy to downright paralysis or self-sabotage. Paradoxically, most of the world religions suggest values that we would all agree with—love, kindness, generosity, compassion—and so, by warring with the church, we end up warring with ourselves. Understanding this dilemma, His Holiness the Dalai Lama has used his worldwide popularity to endorse what he calls “secular ethics.” Ethics can be understood as the actions that are derived from our values. He has been often quoted as saying: “My religion is kindness” and has been tireless in his efforts to promote compassion and kindness without the slightest agenda to convert anyone to Buddhism.
We’d like to propose that the foundation for this program is neither religious nor secular ethics; it’s personal ethics. These values and ethics can only be understood in the crucible of your own heart and mind and are not accepted on blind faith. This is the good news and the bad news. The good news is, there’s no one to rebel against. The bad news is—you guessed it!—there’s no one to rebel against. We often joke with students in our classes that we’re not their mothers, their fathers or their teachers. There are no grades, and no guilt trips. No one will be disappointed if you don’t follow through on these practices . . . except you!
The more our choices line up with our values, the better we generally feel about ourselves. On the other hand, actions that don’t align with personal values give rise to guilt, regret, agitation, worry, paranoia, mistrust, fear and defensiveness. When not met with awareness, these feelings tend to get stored in an “invisible backpack” that’s unconsciously carried everywhere we go. The heavier the invisible backpack, the more off-balance we become.
In the fall of 2004, Margaret interviewed Marshall Rosenberg, who developed Non-Violent Communication (NVC), for the journal Inquiring Mind. The journal was interested in an interview with Marshall because so many mindfulness meditators were studying NVC at the time. When Margaret asked Marshall about this, and if he ever meditated, he replied: “I’m from Detroit, so I don’t use the word meditation. I see it as getting my shit together. This means getting clear on how I choose to live before I go out in the world. “
The less aligned your life is with your personal values, the more vulnerable you are to emotional imbalance. Let’s refer again to the example of yelling when you come home from work. Had you clarified your intentions before walking in the door - - perhaps reminding yourself of how much your family means to you, or setting a strong intention to be patient with your partner- - chances are you would be less reactive. On the other hand, had you failed to do this, and spoken harshly, chances are you would feel out of synch with the person you would like to be, and this “integrity gap” would likely give rise to feelings of unhappiness and disappointment.
In this workbook we’ll translate knowledge and ideas into first-hand experience. In the first few chapters, you were introduced to exercises using pen and paper. In this chapter we added an experiment about noticing the intention to move and below we’ll suggest a field observation regarding intentions. Beginning in Section 2, we’ll add formal practices, for which you’ve been provided audio recordings. We have intentionally used the language and metaphor of science for the interactive components in this workbook because we encourage you to become a scientist in the laboratory of your own heart and mind. Some of the best attitudes you can bring to this experience are curiosity, open-mindedness, honesty, integrity, humor and kindness. These are helpful allies both in the lab and in your own personal life.