Meet Shauna Shapiro and read an excerpt from her book "Good Morning, I Love You"
Interviewed by Ari Saperstein
EDITOR’S NOTE
Shauna Shapiro is a clinical psychologist and a professor at Santa Clara University and a leading expert on mindfulness & self-compassion. Shauna has consulted and given speeches to myriad notable individuals and organizations, including the King of Thailand, the Danish Government, Bhutan’s Gross National Happiness Summit, the World Council for Psychotherapy, Google, Cisco Systems and LinkedIn.Shauna is the author of Mindful Discipline, The Art and Science of Mindfulness and the upcoming book "Good Morning, I Love You: Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Practices to Rewire Your Brain for Calm, Clarity, and Joy."
We spoke with Shauna about her new book, her TED Talk, meditating and parenting:
Hi Shauna! First, I’d love to hear the elevator pitch for your new book: In a few sentences, what’s it about?
A key theme of the book is: what you practice grows stronger. Neuroplasticity teaches us that our brain continues to learn and grow throughout our lifespan based on repeated practice. What this means is that we can all learn practices that grow resources to help us live our best lives. All of us have the capacity to rewire our brain. “Good Morning, I Love You” provides a roadmap for how. The practices contained in this book are scientifically proven to grow greater calm, clarity, happiness and joy.
The title of your book, “Good Morning, I Love You” is something you talk about at the climax of your TED Talk -- the words you say to yourself every morning. In the talk, you discuss the journey to get to the point to tell yourself “I love you” and mean it. What do those words mean for you and how do they make you feel?
When we practice waking each day and greeting ourselves with “Good Morning, I love you” we are planting seeds of presence and kindness toward ourselves. We are carving out new pathways. Instead of the stress, urgency, harsh voices and judgment that often greet us, we can pause in the morning and intentionally focus on cultivating kindness for ourselves, others and our world. The “Good Morning” part of the practice invites us into presence with ourselves, the “I Love You” helps us plant seeds of self-kindness.
What has the response to your widely-viewed TED Talk been like? Has anything surprised you about the outreach you’ve received?
I’ve been quite surprised that over 1.5 million people have watched my TED talk. Clearly, this message of self-compassion is something people are longing for. I’ve been awed and inspired by the ripple effect of the talk, and specifically of the Good Morning, I Love You practice. Thousands of people have shared their stories with me. One that particularly touched me was a note I received via Instagram from a young mother named Kristen. Her three-year-old son was in the hospital recovering from brain surgery. She wrote that she’d seen my TEDx talk and had been practicing with her son every day. We began a correspondence, and a year later, I received a letter from Kristen while I was writing this book. Her son, now four, is healthy and thriving; all brain scans are clear. She wrote, “(these practices) helped me get through one of the most difficult chapters of my life, and come out of it stronger and more connected to myself than I have ever been.”
In your talk, you discuss meditating for the first time in Thailand and the difficulties of staying present. I’d love to know: What’s it like for you when your mind wanders, and how do you center yourself when it happens?
One of the biggest surprises when I first was learning to meditate was that I was not in control of my own mind. I was astonished by how chaotic and unruly my mind was. I know now that the mind wanders on average 47% of the time. But back then, I thought it was just me, and I was very discouraged and frustrated. This resulted in a great deal of self-judgment. When my mind inevitably wandered off, instead of treating myself gently and kindly, I would berate myself: What is wrong with you? You’re terrible at this? You will never learn to meditate?! I will forever be grateful to the wise monk who explained to me that mindfulness isn’t just about paying attention in the present moment. He taught me that the key to mindfulness was how you pay attention, with an attitude of kindness. I discovered that kindness is the secret sauce of mindfulness.
Are there any common misconceptions you think that the general public has about mindfulness and mindfulness practice?
I believe there are many misconceptions about mindfulness, and in fact one of the chapters in my book clarifies the “myths” about mindfulness. One big misunderstanding is that mindfulness is just about meditation. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Mindfulness is a way of being that can be practiced in any moment. Meditation is simply an exercise we can practice to strengthen our capacity to be mindful. Another misconception I often hear is that mindfulness is passive and won’t help people change. The truth is that mindfulness is not passive or resigned acceptance. Acceptance is simply the first step toward change and growth. We accept situations as they are, not because we want them to be happening, but because they already are happening. Through acceptance, we can see our situation clearly instead of getting stuck by denying, worrying, lamenting, or raging about what’s happening. When we see things clearly, we respond to them effectively. A final misconception is that mindfulness is just a stress management technique. Nope, again. Mindfulness is not just a practice for when life is stressful. It enriches all of our moments big and small, good and bad. It not only helps us through tough times, but also increases and deepens our joyful moments.
In the excerpt below, you write about the challenge of focusing on being a present parent rather than a perfect parent -- in practicing mindful parenting, are there lessons you’ve learned from your son Jackson?
Jackson has been one of my greatest teachers. There is nothing that has humbled and stretched me more than being a mother. There is also nothing that has opened and tenderized my heart more than being a mother. The biggest lesson I’ve learned from being a mother is that perfection is not possible. The key, and what our children most long for, is our presence. So often people say time is our most valuable resource. They are wrong. It is our attention. The quality of our attention impacts our children more than anything else. Mindfulness and self-compassion continue to help me focus more on being a present mother, and less on being a perfect mother.
Finally, I’d love to get one more sneak peak of what's in the book -- can you tell us a little bit about what the five percent principle is?
The five percent principle has radically transformed how I approach making changes in my life and instilling good habits. We know this from experience that change happens in small increments; we can’t instantly erase an unproductive habit and attain a behavior we want. Yet instead of seeing this as a normal process, we tend to punish ourselves each time we “fail” to perfectly execute a new behavior. For example, if you are trying to exercise more, it requires gradual training, not the expectation that we go out and run a marathon. The 5 percent principle, instead, asks, can you change just 5%? Can you do 5% more exercise? Can you meditate 5% more? Relax 5% more? Trust 5% more. For me, this has been one of the most helpful antidotes to perfectionism and all or none thinking. It takes off the pressure of having to make changes all at once and to do perfectly. The key is to develop “micro habits”—small shifts in behavior that lead to big changes. When we struggle with an all-or-nothing mentality instead of embracing and celebrating small increments of change, we get so focused on the finish line that we’re often less efficient at getting there. Research bears this out: people who break a complex task down into smaller milestones and then set about accomplishing them finish the task faster and with better quality than those who focus entirely on the end result. So the key is to shift the focus from away from the ultimate destination and focus instead on the direction. You might think a few degrees won’t amount to much, but they do. Subtle is significant.
an excerpt from Chapter 4 of “Good Morning, I Love You”
The Three Pillars of Mindfulness: Intention, Attention, Attitude (IAA)
Mindfulness is a state of intelligent, open alertness . . . with a kindly attitude and a gentle curiosity.– Gary Gach, Pause, Breathe, Smile
A wonderful Zen teaching hit home for me a few years back: the most important thing is simply to remember the most important thing.
I was teaching in Europe and had been away from my then eight-year-old son, Jackson, for two weeks—the longest we’d ever been apart. On the flight home from Copenhagen, I began feeling guilty for my absence, even suffering pangs of anxiety about our reconnection: Did I make the wrong choice by leaving for so long? Have I damaged our attachment bond? Does he know I still love him?
But instead of disappearing down the rabbit hole of motherly guilt, I made a clear intention that when I got home, I wouldn't unpack, check the mail, or catch up on e-mail. I would simply spend my first day reconnecting with Jackson.
I arrived home to a perfect summer Saturday. With the sun pouring through our bay window, Jackson and I decided to spend the day together at the beach. I began gathering our beach gear, preparing a picnic with all his favorite foods. As I was packing up the car, I waved to the neighbors: “Hello! I’m home!” [And, if I’m honest, secretly saying: “See what a good mom I am!”]
Finally, I was done. Beach towels, check. Paddle ball and soccer ball, check. Sunscreen, check. Perfect picnic, check. Perfect mom, check.
I called to Jackson, who was sitting on our front porch: “Come on, sweetheart, it’s time to go to the beach.” He didn't respond. I called a bit louder, noticing a hint of impatience in my voice. He didn’t even look up.
I felt the tide of impatience rising in my body. What’s this feeling about?I wondered. In that momentary pause, I realized that somewhere in my mind there was an agenda: We have to get to the beach before lunchtime, so we can have the perfect sunshine for our perfect picnic for our perfect day—and I can be the perfect mom.
Then I remembered my intention. Cooped up in a cramped airplane cabin thousands of feet above the earth, all I’d wanted was to get home to my son. To see him, be with him, and let him know: “I’m home. I love you.”
I walked over and sat down in the sunshine next to him. He was studying a trail of ants. Their rhythmic march, mundane to most of us in adulthood, fascinated him. As we watched, I sensed myself get quieter inside, more present. I felt the sun on my back, my breath deepening. After a few moments, I felt his little body begin to soften, and as he leaned into me, all felt right in the world again.
A tear came to my eye as I recognized how close I’d come to missing this moment because of my impatience and reactivity—and my idea of what would make a “perfect” day with my son. The beach, the picnic, the timing—none of it mattered. Thisis what mattered. My little boy, resting against my body, the two of us connected. This was the most important thing.
It was a brief yet profound lesson in mindfulness for me. Mindfulness reconnects us with our intention—with what is most important. It returns our attention to the present moment. And it helps us see clearly with an attitudeof kindness and curiosity, instead of judgment and shame. Mindfulness allows us to see and work with what is happening in the here and now, not some idea of what should be happening.
In chapter 1, I shared my discovery of these three pillars of mindfulness while at the monastery in Thailand and how we later validated them through scientific study:
Intention puts us in touch withwhy we pay attention. It helps us zero in on the most important thing.
Attention helps us train and stabilize our focus in the present moment.
Attitude guides how we pay attention—specifically, with kindness and curiosity.
Intention, attention, and attitude aren’t sequential steps or stages.They work together so we can see clearly and respond wisely and compassionately to each moment of life. They help us groove new neural pathways that give us the resources to face life’s challenges and deepen life’s joys. In this chapter, we’ll take a closer look at how and why they work so well.